We've Got Balls

Erin wrote up this prospectus some time ago, and I thought you might get a kick out of reading it.

Did you know that a Kansas City company has sold over 25,000 pairs of artificial testicles for neutered pets? They sell for up to $129 a set, and every single pair was bought be humans!

We at We’ve got Balls (tm) think the pet people are missing the point. The market here is not medical implants for pets, but as unique, personal, thoughtful gifts, given person to person.

The Opportunity:

With today’s plastic injection molding technology, the basic We’ve got Balls (tm) product could be mass-produced at relatively low cost. We’re looking for an investor who can appreciate our visionary marketing plan. Contact us about getting on the ground floor of this unique and exciting mail order company!

The Product:

We’ve got Balls (tm) is still in the design stages. But you know those squidgy artificial brains sold in toy stores? Something like that.

The Packaging:

Quite the rear view: We all know that fuzzy dice for hanging from rear-view mirrors are just testicle substitutes! Why settle for sublimation? These We’ve got Balls (tm) would come in an attractive extra large size. The perfect accessory to that mid-life-crisis red Corvette, the city-bound All Terrain Vehicle, or the teenager’s first car.

Tools of Diplomacy, Thoughtful Gifts: Remember when Madeline Albright told Castro he had no cahones? Think of the media coverage that could have been generated if she had mailed him the special We’ve got Balls (tm) gift set, with tasteful “thought you could use these” gift card. Come to that, don’t we all know someone who could use some balls? Send them some. Let them know someone noticed, someone cares.

Executive Desk Ornaments: We all know one or two people who conduct business as if their first goal were to acquire a collection of severed testicles. Now they can display their collection for the world to see! The We’ve got Balls (tm) desk set says: Underlings and Competitors Beware! Let the executive in your life know that you’ve noticed their hobby. The We’ve got Balls (tm) desk set comes in a hermetically sealed bell jar with formaldehyde. Engraveable Plaque (the testicles of ) optional.

Better than flowers: Sometimes our emotions gets a little out of hand. If you’ve accidentally castrated a coworker, collaborator, landlord, or former friend, let them know there are no hard feelings anymore. Send them specially boxed We’ve got Balls (tm) sympathy card, offering them back a little of their own.

The Marketing Plan:

We’ve got Balls (tm) is the quintessential internet business. Our marketing plan will distribute itself: who could resist copying our promotional e-mail to a few interested friends? This would bring our initial advertising costs down radically. The mail order nature of the internet business also suits the We’ve got Balls (tm) market well. The We’ve got Balls (tm) gift sets could be shipped directly to the recipient, who need never know who had their feelings at heart.

Eventually We’ve got Balls (tm) would like to penetrate beyond the internet customer. Because men are sometimes slow to recognize their own needs, We’ve got Balls (tm) should be marketed mainly to women, through advertisements in magazines typified by Cosmo. Our dream, of course, is to find our products on the shelf in Hallmark, or the Sharper Image. Catalog possibilities are endless: don’t you think this is something you might buy at 35,000 feet?

  • We’ve got Balls (tm) are for external use only.

A Stone of the Heart

I’ve also added another story to my fiction page: a Doctor Who short story I co-authored with Erin entitled A Stone of the Heart. Enjoy!

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