Perils of Child Rearing that Other Parents See Fit Not to Warn You About

Number 693: Your Daughter Will Think it Funny to Force Feed You a Cookie


So here’s the scene: Vivian has broken Erin’s glasses. We went to a one-hour place to get new ones. Vivian passed the time there picking out glasses of her own (she liked the red ones with the rhinestones) but we still ended up with most of an hour to kill. So we hit a nearby Subway for lunch. I’ve bought a combo, which offers a pair of cookies and drinks for each sandwich we order. We’ve ordered two sandwiches, so we have four cookies.

Vivian has had a good time snitching food from our sandwiches. She’s had a tomato, a meatball and an assortment of vegetables, and she still has some left over, but we’ve finished our sandwiches, and she’s spotted the cookies.

So Erin takes out a cookie and breaks it up, offering Vivian a smidgen, but Vivian’s having none of it, and the cookie bag is within reach. She leans forward, and snatches a whole cookie twice the size of her hands, and begins nibbling daintily.

An attempt to trade the half cookie for the whole one is firmly rejected. Nibble, nibble.

So Erin leans in, makes like the cookie monster, and takes a big bite out of Vivian’s cookie. She comes away with a big bite of cookie in her mouth, grinning. Vivian thinks this is the funniest thing in the world.

So much so, that Vivian then proceeds to shove the remainder of her cookie into her mother’s mouth. And quite effectively I might add. As I dissolve into laughter, Erin’s having difficulty speaking, going “Vivi—glup! Not so—blup! Help!”

Once Erin gets in control of the situation, there’s only one quarter of the cookie left, which Erin forcefeeds to me. As I keep on laughing, Erin looks at me, chocolate smeared across her face and says, “what? It got rid of her cookie!” and hands Vivian the one she broke in half. Which Vivian accepts.

And daintily eats.

Great Moments in American Sentencing

(Hat tip to Bob Tarantino for the title)

You can do a lot of things and still get some leniency from a judge. Steal some beer, engage in a minor felony, but what you must never, EVER, do, is misspell the name of the greatest band in rock history. That gets judges’ backs right up.

Hat tip to Allyn Gibson.

An Open Letter to the Individual Who Ruined the Latest Episode of Doctor Who For Me…

Okay, I laughed. But I’m still going to slap you when I see you.

Yours sincerely,
James Bow

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