The Moment I Realized I'd Left Reality and Was Now a Resident of Cloudcookooland VIII

Wild Monkey Attacks

“So I was sorry to hear about the death of New Delhi’s deputy mayor. How did he die?”

“Wild monkey attack.”

(blink!) “No, really, how did he die?”

“I told you, wild monkey attack.”

“Stop jerking my chain and just tell me how he died!”

He really died by wild monkey attack!.”

Okay, technically, the poor man died of head injuries after falling from his balcony after being swarmed by the beasts, but still, in reading the news about how people have passed onto the next life, death by wild monkeys is not one of the ways you expect to hear people go. The CBC has more on this tragic tale:

His death underscored what some Delhi residents have complained is becoming a citywide monkey problem.

It was not the first incident in which the revered monkeys have menaced citizens. They have been known to bite unsuspecting people and snatch away food.

Monkeys in the Indian capital are free to roam government buildings and temples because of their religious significance to Hindus. The Hindu deity Hanuman, the monkey god, symbolizes strength in Hinduism.

Meanwhile, animal-rights activists have blamed urban sprawl for taking over so much of the primates’ natural habitat that they end up migrating to the city.

Pay special attention to the last paragraph:

In an effort to curb the problem, city authorities are training a larger, fiercer breed of predatory monkey — the langur — to frighten and pick off the smaller, more frenzied Rhesus macaques.

…and next year, Bengal tigers will be employed to frighten and pick off the smaller langur monkeys, and following that, we bring in the elephants.

Then there is this

Running out of Christmas gift ideas for that hard-to-please cousin from Alberta? Apart from the danger of either ripping your leg open or blowing your head off on your way to that three a.m. piss, this looks like a great deal.

Sadly, this one isn’t a joke either.

But I’m pretty sure that the thing has to be illegal in at least a couple of states. I especially like the disclaimer:


No, really?

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